the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
