I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
