You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
