I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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