So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
