Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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