I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize