pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
