Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize