I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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