there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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