i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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