omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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