I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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