BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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