yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
