wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
