why didn't you poke me back
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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