then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize