I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
