EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
