at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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