dude i'm inner monologue high
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
