Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
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