Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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