Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize