Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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