you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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