wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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