a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize