hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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