I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
