hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
