Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
