I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
