So drunk its hurt
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
