i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize