I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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