I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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