he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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