I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
