we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
