God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
