You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
