I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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