Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
