Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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