he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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