i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
