i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
