I think i peed on brittanys purse
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
