He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
