Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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