If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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