Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize