I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
