I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize