We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
