This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
