I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
