Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
