I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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