he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
