mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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