she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
