bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Can you bring me the toilet please
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
