Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
