I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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