So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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