I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
