Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i drank out of a bidet.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
