My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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